Dear Abby: Thank You for Being My Kiddo’s Bathroom Ally
I recently wrote a thank you letter to Abby Wambach for being an ally to KK and so many other children who are gender expansive. Representation is important for all children to know they belong in this world. Children who are situated outside of gender norms or other privileged identities, often have limited opportunities to see themselves represented positively in the world. This is why I am so grateful when people who have been marginalized by society speak and live their truths. This helps children like KK feel seen, affirmed and know that they belong.
Dear Abby-
Thank you for being my kiddo’s bathroom ally.
My 9-year-old daughter, KK, describes herself as gender expansive. Since the age of two, she has been very clear about her likes and dislikes regarding how she looks as an expression of her gender. When KK was five she asked to cut her hair short, so we got her a haircut. As KK navigates elementary school, she deals with a lot of misgendering. She used to tell me about each individual experience, but there are so many now they roll off and I don’t often hear about them. However, in the last year, KK has experienced more children arguing with her about her gender. It usually goes something like this: A child uses the wrong pronoun or calls her a boy and KK corrects. The child is in disbelief and rather than apologizing, the child says something like, “No, you’re not,” or “Well, you don’t look like a girl,” or “You don’t sound like a girl.” KK says that when this happens, even if she has a bathroom buddy with her, she feels like she doesn’t belong.
Last year, on the second day of third grade (August 24, 2021) KK came home from school and shared an experience she had in the bathroom. A couple of children misgendered her and when KK corrected them, they snickered and left the bathroom (without even using the toilet)! Of course, when KK told me this story, the mama bear in me was ready to go stand in that darn bathroom myself and make sure no one misgendered KK ever again---surely, I could be a bathroom monitor for the rest of her elementary school years! However, instead of demanding to be the bathroom monitor, I replayed for KK the part of WCDHT episode 20 in which you described your experiences being misgendered in restrooms and your feelings surrounding those moments. While we listened, KK’s eyes lit up as you described yourself, particularly in terms of having a slightly deeper voice, as this is a quality KK shares with you. KK has read Wolfpack with me and overhears Tish’s song at the end of each WCDHT episode, therefore, she knows you as an author, superstar soccer player, and advocate; hearing your bathroom experiences not only validated KK’s experiences, but comforted her to know other people, even famous awesome people like Abby Wambach-- experience being misgendered.
Fast forward to now. KK is in 4th grade. Several times over the last few weeks, she has been misgendered in the bathroom. Last week, you were her bathroom ally. As another girl told KK she didn’t look or sound like a girl, she replied with, “Do you know Abby Wambach? Well, if you don’t you should. She’s one of the greatest soccer players of all time-and she also has short hair just like mine and a deeper voice like mine too. And SHE’s a girl too!” I don’t know what was said next, but based on KK’s retelling, I do know that KK felt like she had you standing there with her in that bathroom and KK was not alone, and most importantly that she belongs.
KK decided to speak with her assistant principal about the ongoing bathroom challenges. Together KK and her assistant principal plan to make a public service announcement video for the entire school reminding everyone to remember: We all know who we are and which bathroom we should be in!
In fact your advocacy and truth telling about your own story inspired KK (and me) so much that we started our own website and blog (https://www.raisingunicorns.org/) to educate others by sharing KK’s story (and mine as her mama bear) of being gender expansive and navigating a gender binary world.
Thank you for being in this world telling your story and your truth--it's inspiring and affirming.
With major gratitude,
Colleen (KK's mom)
PS- KK recently changed her short haircut to be just like yours. I attached a photo.
