Bathroom Bungles & One School Leader’s Advocacy
By: Colleen K. Vesely
We are grateful to be part of a progressive and affirming school community. It is not uncommon for people to enter our children’s elementary school and note the high EQ among the staff and students. However, even within this community, that often feels like a warm hug for students and families, KK still experiences being misgendered quite regularly while at school (i.e., at least once a week). Misgendering usually happens when KK is in the girl’s restroom. Sometimes a child, politely and in the spirit of trying to be “helpful”, will inform KK that she is in the wrong bathroom; KK will let the child know that she is a girl and is in the right place, and the other child often says, “sorry,” or “okay.” Other times, even with a buddy from her classroom, KK has to argue for her right to be in the girl’s bathroom, as children will say, “I don’t believe you,” or “no, you’re not a girl.” KK and I detailed some of these experiences in a previous blog.
In the face of these “bathroom bungles,” as KK and I call them, and a deep desire to be an everyday advocate for herself and others, KK has developed a strong relationship with the leadership in her elementary school, especially the principal, assistant principal, and school counselors. As a result of these positive relationships, each time KK experiences other children arguing with her about her gender, these school leaders are the first to know. KK feels comfortable sharing her painful experiences with these leaders not just because they are in positions of authority, but because each of them has taken time to connect with and build a relationship with KK. Consequently, KK knows she is safe with them and that she can count on them to continue to work to ensure her right to use the school bathroom in peace, without being misgendered.
This fall, these bathroom bungles escalated and were occurring multiple times per week. After hearing about these on-going microaggressions KK was experiencing, the assistant principal asked KK if, together, they might discuss this bathroom bungle issue on the school’s morning news to educate the rest of the school. KK liked this idea, and extended it even further; KK created and performed a skit with a few classmates to promote the message of don’t judge a book by its cover.
KK recruited a few of her best buddies, and the assistant principal received permission from their parents to participate in the videotaped skit. Over the course of a few weeks, the children then spent their recess time with each other and the assistant principal developing the script, which mirrored KK’s common experiences of being misgendered in the bathroom, and practicing their lines.
The skit featured four children, including KK. In the skit, KK and a buddy walk into the girls’ bathroom. One of the children who is already in the bathroom tells KK she’s in the wrong bathroom. KK says, “I’m a girl,” and her buddy says, “we’re just here to go to the bathroom.” The child apologizes for calling KK a boy and judging her by the way she looks. The video then cuts to the assistant principal encouraging all students in the school to not judge people based on the way they look in terms of hair style, clothing, etc. but rather to get to know who everyone is on the inside. The skit was recorded in mid-November and aired on the morning news just before winter break, and again in early January.
This meaningful work, led by the assistant principal, is an example of how school leaders can empower and affirm gender expansive children to ensure they know they are safe, that they belong at their school and belong in the world. While this one video has not ended KK’s experiences of being misgendered at school (she told me just last week another child argued with her in the bathroom about her gender), it is an important step in the right direction to ensure that all gender expansive children are affirmed at school.
Even though KK continues to experience the pain of being misgendered, this pain is counterbalanced by the time the assistant principal took to hear, think about and be with KK, and importantly, create action steps together with KK. Each moment of advocacy is not going to take away the pain of every misgendering incident, but it provides a buffer of allyship, an antidote to the isolation that can be felt in a microaggression moment.
KK and I hope in sharing this small act of advocacy at her school that other school leaders will continue to consider how they can affirm gender expansive children in their schools.
KK and her friends performing the skit.
