Building Belonging through Books: Representation Matters
By: Colleen K. Vesely
It only takes one person to believe in you to change your life forever. This inspirational quote is written on bumper stickers, coffee cups, and classroom walls. When it comes to gender expansive children this should be engraved on our hearts. Research shows just how important this acceptance of gender expansive and trans* youth is to not only changing lives, but saving lives. When children know they are accepted by their family, and that there is always a safe place to land at home, where they perfectly belong, it makes it easier to face with confidence whatever the world throws at them--they will always know they are held by those who love them.
As KK moves though the world outside of the gender binary, I often have a front row seat to the covert and overt ways that the world tells her she doesn’t belong or, that who she is isn’t okay. As a family we work to ensure KK has an accepting, emotionally safe space to return to each day, after the exhaustion of having to justify and defend to the world who she is.
Books have been our go-to tangible tools to support and affirm KK to ensure she knows she belongs. We have filled our bookshelves with children’s books (and adult books) that provide representation of children (and adults) who are gender expansive. It feels far more possible to “do you” when you can see someone like you in the world around you, through the windows, mirrors, and sliding glass doors of books. #representationmatters
Building our book collection with intentionality regarding representation of trans and gender expansive children in literature began in earnest when KK was in kindergarten. Introducing KK to terminology that aligned with how she moved through the world outside of the gender binary became increasingly necessary as other children overtly questioned her appearance. We added books to our collection that ensured KK saw a range of ways to be gender expansive in the world.
As we read loads of children’s books (I consumed grown-up books and research articles, and other resources), I remember someone questioning me about purchasing so many picture books that reflected gender fluidity (in so many beautiful ways, by the way) and noting that KK should also see that girls wear dresses sometimes and often like the color pink, etc. Frustrated, I noted that, KK already got that message, loud and clear from the many other books and images in her everyday life in our gender binary world. As we read from our new book collection, we discussed how we feel on the inside (gender identity) versus what we show the world on the outside (gender expression). In these conversations KK loved reading about and referring to the different characters in A House for Everyone.
Early on in first grade, KK’s teacher and I established a strong partnership as we supported KK in her navigation of children who were curious about her gender expression and identity. This support from her teacher was everything. It was during this time that KK and I were able to have deeper conversations about how she felt on the inside and which pronouns she preferred. KK explained that she preferred she/her pronouns and that she feels like a girl on the inside but really likes wearing her hair short and wearing clothes from LVI (her older brother). I explained that what she likes to wear is one aspect of gender expression. It was during these conversations that I told her about the term “gender diverse”, which I had learned about from a colleague, Dr. Kate Kuvalanka, who leads the Trans*Kids Project, a longitudinal study of families with transgender and gender diverse children. Gender diverse children express gender outside of the gender binary. I reminded KK that she is free to express her gender in whatever way she wants. KK recalled what we had learned about the new rules of gender versus the old rules of gender from a childhood friend of mine, Dr. Kate Driscoll Derickson, who was leading Stories for (Little) People online at the East Side Freedom Library during the pandemic. The new rules being that we can all express our gender in whatever ways we want and live in our bodies as we want, whereas the old rules of gender confine us to certain clothing, hairstyles, activities, and behaviors. Gender diverse and later, gender expansive, were terms that resonated with KK, and she claimed them as her own.
As KK, her 1st grade teacher, and I navigated curious children, as well as adults who sometimes got it wrong, KK began bringing books to school. As she stuffed picture book after picture book into her bag she would remark, “these books will help people understand me better”. I remember the week she brought A House for Everyone to school. This book portrays trans* and gender expansive children, as they build a house on the playground during recess one day. The book described each character’s strengths, likes, and gender expression and identity, providing a range of gender terminology. KK’s teacher read the book a few days after KK brought it to school. When KK came home that afternoon she was so proud that her teacher had read the entire book. I recall her teacher later telling with me how meaningful it was to read A House for Everyone because KK was so proud that the book included a character named Ivy who “is just like me because she can run fast and she has short hair!” To which KK’s teacher responded, “I also love it when I can see myself in books.”
Early on in 3rd grade, as KK returned to school after the pandemic, she faced not only curious children who questioned her gender, but children who were bold enough (or rude enough!) to argue with KK about her gender. There were several times within the first month of school in which a child would try to be “helpful” by telling KK she was in the wrong bathroom. When KK would correct, there were some children who either argued with her, “No, you’re not a girl,” or just snickered and left the bathroom. After several conversations with the school principal about KK’s experiences navigating gender issues at the school, and KK’s deep desire for her peers to understand more about gender expansiveness, the school principal read I am Jazz on the morning news broadcasted into each classroom. KK was proud because she felt seen and accepted—this time, by the principal of her school. And the principal even read from KK’s book copy!
More recently, in response to a social media comment noting that I was “confusing” KK by providing her with terminology, like “gender expansive”, I revisited our conversations from first grade with KK. I asked her about whether learning terms like non-binary or gender diverse and later, gender expansiveness, was confusing when she was only six. She quickly said, “No, mom, it made me feel like I belong.”
Check out our resources page for adult and children’s books that reflect a wide range of gender expression and gender identities.
