Conversations with KK: ‘I don’t know, but they’re probably a lesbian…’
By: Colleen Vesely
About a year ago, KK (she was 8 y/o at the time) and I were listening to Brandi Carlile’s In these Silent Days during our drive to cross-country practice. The conversation that unfolded with KK in the car that evening surprised me.
I am intentional about trying to ensure KK sees in her everyday life, acceptance and affirmation for all the ways in which people express and identify, including who people choose to love and share their life with. Still, in this conversation en route to cross-country, as KK danced in her booster seat to Brandi Carlile, I was stunned by just how much KK is paying attention. This conversation reminded me of how important it is to continue to show children all of their possibilities in terms of being their truest selves. Representation matters.
Me: Do you know who this is singing?
KK: I don’t know but they’re probably a lesbian.
Me: That’s true. But, why do you say that?
KK: Because everyone who you listen to is a lesbian.
I paused and thought for a moment about some of my favorite singers and podcasters, many of whom are lesbians and/or gender expansive. Indeed, the very first album I ever owned (which I earned by selling magazine subscriptions during a school fundraiser in the 90s) was Indigo Girls Rites of Passage. My best high school pals and I blasted Melissa Etheridge and Tracy Chapman as we cruised the streets of my hometown. Many years later these artists’ music fill our house and bring me right back to those carefree and hopeful days. A current household favorite is P!nk, not only because she has amazing hair, but also because her music reflects strength in vulnerability and solidarity in all of our imperfections. While I love All I Know So Far, KK listens to Cover Me in Sunshine over and over (KK loves that Willow also has short hair too). Throughout the last few years, as I sought connection and affirmation regarding experiencing all of the hard things related to raising children during Covid times, I started listening to more podcasts. KK often overhears Abby and Glennon on “We Can do Hard Things”, and after KK learned about Abby’s experiences, especially with bathrooms, she became one of Abby’s biggest fans. I also began listening to Cameron Esposito’s podcast, Queery, to learn more about her journey as a queer person and because who doesn’t need to be in the presence of a comic during a global pandemic and on-going political divisiveness?
Connecting to all of the emotions evoked by these amazing creators and artists was important over the last few years. While all of these brilliant women fill the air waves of our home, I intentionally share with KK more about these women--their stories, in terms of what they stand for, how they identify and who they love. I want her to see all of the beautiful ways she can identify and express herself, and love who she wants to love!
Me: Hmm, good observation. Not all, but I suppose you’re right I do love listening to strong, empowering, thoughtful women sing and share about their experiences, and it seems many of them are lesbians too. The person singing is Brandi Carlile and you’re right, she is a lesbian.
Fast forward to last Friday night as we were driving home from swim team. KK mentioned something that happened at her lunch table with Anthony, a new kid in her class (all of the names in this conversation are pseudonyms). Again, KK surprised me, as she shared about standing up for same-sex couples during a recent lunchroom conversation.
KK: Anthony--he’s new to our school---was trying to make everyone at our lunch table laugh by singing Funga Alafia*, but changing some of the words to say, ‘I’m gay, I’m gay’.
Me: Oh, hmm.
KK: I told him he shouldn’t sing that because it sounded like he was making fun of people who are gay.
Me: Good for you. What did he say?
KK: He said, (imitating a derogatory tone that Anthony used), ‘Oooh, like when two men or two women are together?’ So, I said, well, yeah, but when it is two women, we usually say lesbian. Then I told my friend Peter, who was sitting next to me at our lunch table, that he shouldn’t laugh when Anthony is singing that.
Me: What did Peter say or do?
KK: He asked me if I knew anyone who was gay, and I said no but I know two lesbians who are going to get married next year.
Me: What did Peter and everyone else do? Was everyone laughing initially when Anthony started singing that song?
KK: Some people laughed, and then others, like Peter, I think just didn’t know what to do. I had to say something.
Me: Our friends who are getting married next year are not the only some-sex couple you know. Your cousin, Drew, is also gay.
KK: Oh, Drew and Timothy are gay. That’s cool. When can we visit them and swim in their pool?
*The next day, KK told me that as she thought more about what happened with Anthony that it was “doubly bad” since the song that he was changing is an African song. She noted the disrespect Anthony was also showing for African people when he changed the words of the song in a mean way.
KK is always tuned in, observing…and advocating. #representationmatters
A recent photo of KK. Her goal this day was to wear all camouflage. I think she succeeded!
