Without Concern (f)or Confusion
The more firmly KK stood in her true self the more she bumped up against others’ expectations, and began to experience being misgendered. And while KK was never confused about who she is, she was often confused by others’ interactions with her.
I recently posted a story about KK on a parenting social media page. In this story, I noted that KK describes herself as “gender expansive”. Amidst several supportive and affirming responses, I also received the response below.
“You did not state how old your child is, but that she describes herself as “gender expansive”. I find it hard to believe a child so young could come up with such complex terminology on their own. I personally believe children this young have no idea who they are (gosh, most teens don’t even know) and placing that burden on someone that young IMO is not healthy…I fear in an effort to be all inclusive and accepting (which is great), you are pushing these concepts way too early and most likely just confusing her.”
After my initial internal defensiveness, this response, particularly the last line about “confusing her”, spurred me to think more deeply about this idea of confusing children, especially regarding gender. I continue to be clear that learning terminology related to our ever-expanding understanding of gender, doesn’t confuse children but rather allows for freedom of expression, experiences of being affirmed, and feelings of belonging. Still, I wanted to consider and process this idea of confusion regarding gender more deeply.
Many of the most meaningful conversations I have had with KK regarding gender have been in our gray minivan as we travel from activity to activity in northern Virginia traffic. I find that the car provides a wonderful space to share intimate truths. As we face forward looking at the road, we are shielded from seeing approval or disapproval on the other person’s face. Around the time KK decided to cut her hair very short--when she was five and just beginning Kindergarten--our car conversations regarding gender increased in frequency and depth. As KK was getting older she was gaining more understanding and agency in freely expressing herself. The more firmly KK stood in her true self the more she bumped up against others’ expectations, and began to experience being misgendered. And while KK was never confused about who she is, she was often confused by others interactions with her.
KK’s expression of true self pushes against and rejects the gender binary. From an early age, she questioned why there had to be “girl things” and “boy things”. In our house, we talk about “adult things” and “kid things”. As early as age two, KK exhibited deep opinions and ideas about the clothes she wanted to wear, and which peoples’ clothing choices she liked to emulate (Mr. Matt, her preschool teacher and her brother were her favorites). She had strong preferences for male characters in books and denounced interest in anything that was, as she would say, “frilly or pink”. KK devoted a lot of energy, conversation, and emotion to her ideas regarding her gender expression. And while my other two children, especially in their preschool years sometimes expressed themselves in gender expansive ways (e.g. wearing long-haired wigs, dresses, nail polish, sparkles, and loving the color pink), these were fleeting moments or means to other ends (e.g. my youngest often says he wants to be a girl so that he can play with KK and her best friend who frequently tell him they only want to play with girls at any given moment—more than likely they just don’t want to play with a younger sibling!) rather than daily declarations of self.
As KK sat in the way back of our gray minivan, donning her Tae Kwon Do uniform with various colored belts, she shared with me during the first week of Kindergarten that when the teacher said “girls go get your lunches” and KK jumped up to get her lunch, another child told her it wasn’t her turn because she’s not a girl. By first grade other children had lots of questions. “Why is your hair so short?” “Why don’t you like dresses?” “Are you a boy or a girl?” Developmentally these children already understood what society perfectly taught them, gender is binary—there are girls and there are boys, and girls ought to look and be one way, and boys ought to look and be another way. It wasn’t only children who questioned KK’s gender. During second grade, two separate people in the school health room in a span of two days misgendered KK---these were school employees who had access to all of her paperwork that indicated her gender.
This is the sweet face I would see in the rear view mirror of my minivan as we drove to Tae Kwon Do and discussed gender.
Early on, these experiences of misgendering didn’t seem to bother KK, but they bothered me and at times, left me confused regarding how to best support KK in being her true self. I recall her being misgendered by cashiers at the grocery store and other strangers, “Oh, he’s so strong,” or, “He’s such a good helper.” I would ask if she wanted me to correct people if they called her a boy, or if she wanted to correct them, or if she wanted us to say nothing. KK never wanted to correct people. Sometimes it seemed like she took pride in being called a boy. As if with her clothing and hair, she had accomplished the “look” she was going for. I wondered whether me correcting every time someone called KK a boy with, “no, she’s a girl,” would somehow cause her pain or harm if indeed she did feel like a boy on the inside. I never wanted her to think I have to be a girl because that’s what mom wants, rather I wanted her to have space and freedom to be who she is.
One of the most awkward and confusing experiences for me as parent was at a princess birthday party for one of KK’s Kindergarten friends. We’ll call her Shelly. I asked KK if she wanted to dress as a princess or someone else or just go as herself. Coming from another activity, as KK changed into her Batman attire, we arrived late to the party. Before Batman and I exited the gray minivan, I asked her if she would like my help to correct anyone who might misgender her. “No, please don’t,” she said. As soon as KK entered the party space, Shelly’s grandparents announced that the king had arrived. I kept my word and did not correct. Then the magician gave KK, as the only boy at a princess party, a special chance to help with a magic trick. KK was being showered with attention and loved it! I, on the other hand, couldn’t find a corner deep enough to hide in. Not because I was embarrassed by KK’s expression of herself or that she was fine being called a boy, but because I wasn’t sure how to respond to potentially curious or confused others. The longer this misgendering went on, the more uncomfortable, inauthentic, and awkward I felt. At one point, Shelly’s grandmother commented on how much KK looked like her son (Shelly’s father) when he was little. It was one thing to not say anything when grandma used he/him to refer to KK but it was another for me to keep up what felt like inauthenticity by referring to KK as he/him, when she never requested this of me. So, confused and not knowing what the “right thing” to do was, I just smiled and nodded, quite literally biting my tongue, as I bided my time and swore I’d never be the parent on princess party detail again. As the kids were eating cupcakes and the party was winding down, Shelly’s father came over and sat next to me to softly say, “I am so sorry.” As I heard his words, I thought, “Oh, thank goodness he is going to apologize for calling KK a boy the entire party”. He continued, “Shelly was supposed to make a list of only the girls in her class to invite to the party. I don’t know what happened.” Frustrated, mostly by how confused and inauthentic I felt by the end of that party, I looked at him straight in the eye and said, “Oh, no, Shelly didn’t get it wrong. KK is a girl.” He said nothing and got up--maybe confused-- and walked away.
KK as Batman at her friend’s princess party in kindergarten.
In these earlier days, I often felt unsure and at times confused how to best support KK in interactions with others, even as I worked hard to follow her lead. Ultimately, I trusted my child—and myself-- and as KK more deeply claimed her gender expansiveness I revisited the conversation about correcting others when they misgendered her. We talked about pronouns and what they mean, and all of the choices of pronouns she might use to represent how she felt on the inside. KK matter of factly then told me that she never corrected others not because she felt like a boy but because she felt bad and embarrassed, and didn’t want to make others feel bad. This broke my heart. Right there and then, we practiced how to respond, and simply say, “I’m a girl.” KK has had to use that response to unconfuse others too many times in her short life.
Young children live fully in every moment being their authentic selves without concern (f)or confusion. That is, they are decisive and have strong inner knowing—they are unconfused about how they want to move through the world. It seems that rather than telling children through our words and actions how they ought to do/think/be otherwise, we should follow their lead….maybe they might just lead us back to our own unconfused authentic inner child.
