(Un)Helpful Things to Say to the Parent of a Gender Expansive Child
I have heard many of the opinions listed below spoken about KK or my youngest child, II, and the majority of them are microaggressions. I offer other ideas of what might be said instead, or of course, saying nothing is always a choice.
This is my youngest child, II, holding a letter with flowers he made for his teachers. II loves anything with flowers (except bees), the color pink, sequins that sparkle, and dresses that twirl like the sisters’ in Encanto.
Oh, she’s just like I was as a kid! I was such a tomboy. Many women, upon meeting KK, see themselves in her, “Oh, she’s just like I was as a kid. I was such a tomboy.” Or, “I always loved taking my older brother’s clothes and playing with boys.” In addition to clothing choices, tomboy connotes taking on behaviors and activities that are associated more with boys, inclusive of a deep love of sports. This label reinforces the gender binary, and the idea that there are two ways to be a girl—a girly girl or a tomboy. In addition, there is an acceptance of the label tomboy but only if a girl expresses in a prescribed way. Fluidity across all aspects of gender expression is not widely accepted or understood, like being a tomboy is. So when KK, who looks like a tomboy doesn’t love sports but does love playing with dolls, she doesn’t fit within other’s socially conditioned schema. KK does not do all things in a way that are traditionally masculine nor does she solely do things that are traditionally feminine. The terms “sissy” and “mama’s boy”, ascribed to boys, reflect the binary too. Neither of these terms are the badge of honor that being called a “tomboy” is, and they further constrain boys from their full exploration and expression of themselves, especially in relation to feminine things.
So, the next time you go to describe a child as a “tomboy” or a “sissy” or a “mama’s boy”, consider saying this instead: I love how your child expresses themself in all that they are and all that they do.
They’ll grow out of it. Out of what? Being and expressing themselves? I hope not. Indeed, many of us grown ups could take loads of lessons from gender expansive children on being and expressing ourselves. Greater self-expression contributes to greater emotional well-being. And, affirming children’s gender expression, reduces risks of depression and suicidal ideation.
The next time you think it is helpful for a parent of a gender expansive child to hear that their child will “grow out of it”, try saying this instead: I hope your child always remains confident in who they are—they are an inspiration.
What’s that? Or, Why are they wearing a dress? [or any kind of snicker/side comment regarding what a child is wearing]. What people wear is a form of self- expression. And again, we know self-expression is important for emotional well-being (see #2 above), so why would we ever want to take that away from anyone, especially a child? Also, let’s consider that people assigned male at birth who like to express with pink, sparkles, and dresses are less accepted, than people assigned female at birth who choose to express themselves with more masculine clothing choices. We can imagine what this experience might be like for children assigned male at birth who express themselves with traditionally feminine clothes and/or traditionally feminine activities, in terms of feeling separate or as if they do not belong in certain spaces. My youngest child, II, loves to wear and twirl in dresses, as well as anything with flowers, sparkles, and pink. As he often tells me, “Mommy, I am going to put on my dress so I can twirl.” I consistently have to check my reactions to feminine things he wants to wear by asking myself, “If he was a girl, would I question his clothing choices?” And if the answer is no, then I shouldn’t question them just because he was assigned male at birth. Julian is a Mermaid and Sparkle Boy are important picture books in our home.
Next time you think that snickering about or questioning a child’s clothing choices is a good idea, try saying this instead: I like how your dress twirls, or I appreciate all of your sparkles, or saying nothing is always an option.
Your three young men are so well behaved, or you must have your hands full with three boys, or any gendered iteration this. Never mind the gender stereotypes that are inherently attached to “having one’s hands full” because of raising boys. Don’t all of us as parents always have our hands (and arms and brains and hearts and…) full regardless of our children’s genders? Truly, any comment, positive or otherwise, about my children’s behavior always makes me feel like others are watching my children and me, and grading us on our behavior. But I digress. These comments are often meant to be compliments or moments of empathy, and are often said in passing and are fleeting. The first was said to us recently during church after passing the peace. KK didn’t hear it and I was caught off guard, and I missed the opportunity to correct the misgendering.
Try this, instead: Your children are beautiful.
Well, they’ll eventually have to learn or adjust to the rules of society. Adjust to society? They’ll will have to learn that they’re wrong for who they are? Society sends that message loud and clear daily, with every microaggression and microexclusion gender expansive kids face. KK continues to resist because she knows she is perfect exactly the way she is, and that living your truth and being who you are is more important than the gender binary and gendered expectations placed on her by others. Why would we encourage children to walk away from knowing who they are to accord to social constructions that are harmful?
Try this instead: I hope your child stays as fierce as they are today, and continues to question things, as this is what builds a better world for all.
