Conversations with KK: Do you have to keep it a secret from your parents?

By: Colleen K. Vesely

When I picked KK up from school last Friday, she shared with me a conversation she and a 4th grade classmate had as they were waiting to be picked up from school. I am always impressed with KK’s ability to be articulate even in the face of being questioned for who she is. KK has a keen ability to educate others simply by staying in dialogue with those with whom she might initially disagree.

This conversation with KK caused me to reflect on the abundance of research that indicates the importance of family acceptance for gender expansive children’s well-being, inclusive of mental health. It also made me think about what I consider to be one of the most worrisome aspects of the new model policies in Virginia--youth needing permission from their parents to express their gender as they wish in school. For many gender expansive kids, school is their only safe space to be who they know themselves to be because they unfortunately do not experience family acceptance. Please consider registering a public comment regarding the 2022 Model Policies in Virginia before 10/26/22.

Me: [as KK gets in the car at kiss-n-ride] Are you okay, KK?

KK: Well, that’s what I want to talk to you about. Do you remember David who was in my class last year? 

Me: Yes, I remember him.

KK: Well, he is a lot nicer this year. He is doing a lot better.

Me: I am glad to hear that. I know he was having a hard time in school last year.

KK: Well, I just had a conversation with him and he asked me some questions that were hard to answer.

Me: Oh, what did he ask you?

KK: He asked me why I act like a boy.

Me: What did you say?

KK: I said, Do I act like a boy? And he said, well yeah, because your hair is short and you wear boy clothes. So, I told him, there’s no such thing as acting like a boy or a girl, there is just acting like yourself and expressing how you want, and that is being yourself. I just thought that question was really hard because I don’t think I act like a boy, even though others might think I do just because of my hair.

Me: And then what did he say?

KK: He disagreed and said that, no, there are girl ways of acting like having long hair and wearing dresses and earrings, and boy ways of acting like wearing short hair and shorts and t-shirts. So, I told him that those are the old rules of gender, and then said, maybe your family hasn’t taught you the new rules of gender. He then asked me what the new rules are, and I told him that the old rules are that girls have to have long hair and wear dresses, and boys have to have short hair and wear shorts, t-shirts, and pants. But the new rules of gender are that people can wear whatever they want and express how they want. And then I told him about Raising Unicorns, and he said, well, aren’t unicorns for girls?

Me: Old rules.

KK: And I said, no, unicorns are magical mythical creatures, but my mom thinks of people as unicorns—like we’re all unique and special in all of the ways we express. Then he asked me if I had to keep how I act as a secret from my parents, like do they know you have short hair at school, do you have to wear a wig at home around your parents, do they know that you zip off your pant bottoms at school to make shorts. And I was like, no way. Of course, they know! Then he asked if you made me get my hair cut. So, I explained to him that I asked to get it cut when I was 4 or 5. He then asked me if I was born a girl, if my pronouns were always she and her. I told him yes, and I like my hair short and to wear the clothes I want to wear. Then he told me that he wouldn’t be able to tell his parents something like this and told me I was lucky.

Me: Hmm, I wonder if other kids assume we made you get your hair cut. I think when I was a kid I thought that about one of my friends who had shorter hair, and looking back maybe it was her choice not her parents. I’m curious when you see someone, do you assume their hair cut is their choice or their parents’?

KK: It depends. Like for example, my friend, Sasha told me that she has been asking her mom and dad for a couple of years to get her hair cut short, and they won’t let her.  She says her dad says that she’ll get called a boy.  I said, well, what’s worse, not getting to express yourself as you want or being called a boy. You can tell your dad as someone who wears their hair as they want but also gets misgendered I’d much rather choose my haircut, while also dealing with being called a boy than not be able to express myself.

Me: How do you think David was feeling at the end of the conversation?

KK: Curious and like, “you’re lucky you have the parents you have.”

Me: I am so proud of how you stayed in the conversation with David. I think that would have been hard for a lot of adults, including me. It seemed like it started in a place of criticism and many people would have understandably left the conversation early on, but instead you continued to engage him, and it seems like he learned a lot from you.

KK: Yes, I think he did. It was almost like he was interviewing me by the end!

These kinds of conversations that KK has with her peers give me so much hope for our future. These kids are open, curious, and patient with each other.  As adults we have a lot to learn from this amazing younger generation.

In addition to the many deep conversations like the one above that we have in our car…there are also a lot of shenanigans. KK recently decided to wear vampire teeth to swim practice to surprise/ scare her coaches and team mates.