Conversations with KK: Swimming Lessons

By: Colleen K. Vesely

KK & IVI at our neighborhood pool earlier this summer.

While swimming at our neighborhood pool on a recent evening, another child at the pool, Hope (pseudonym), asked to play with my youngest, IVI. IVI had brought some diving toys and Hope was interested in joining IVI in play. A short while later KK swam over with her a pink and purple Mer-cat Scruff-a-Love stuffy to check in on us. Hope quickly became interested in playing with KK’s Mer-cat. When Hope asked KK if she could play with the Mer-cat, KK said, “of course, but just be careful.”  A few minutes later KK told Hope that the Mer-cat was named Cora. Below is the conversation that unfolded.

Hope: Oh, okay, her name is Cora. Hi Cora.

KK: No, Cora is a boy.

Hope: (surprised) Oh, okay, I thought she was a girl.

KK: Why did you think Cora was a girl?

Hope: Because Cora is pink and purple.

KK: I am a girl and I like blue, and my brother (pointing to IVI) is a boy and he likes pink.

Hope: (very surprised) Oh, you’re a girl?!?   

KK: Yes.

Hope: (truly in disbelief) Oh, I can’t believe that you’re a girl.

KK: Yes, I am a girl.

Hope: Oh, I really can’t see it.

KK: (silent)

Hope: (processing) Okay. Okay—that’s cool!

Shortly thereafter one of KK’s best girlfriends showed up at the pool. In that moment KK had a choice—she could have swum off with her best friend, leaving behind one more experience of being misgendered. Instead KK chose to invite Hope to join them in the deep end of the pool.

While I was not within ear shot of the deep end KK told me as we were leaving the pool that she taught Hope how to dive. KK mentioned that Hope apologized for misgendering KK. I asked KK whether Hope already knew the word “misgendering”. KK said, “no I taught her. I just said, ‘when you called me a boy even though I am a girl, that is called misgendering.’ Then Hope said, ‘I am so sorry for misgendering you.’”

As KK gets older, I am not privy to all of her experiences of being misgendered. Sometimes she tells me about these experiences and sometimes, because KK has experienced so much misgendering, she lets it roll off and I never hear about it.

As I watched KK and Hope navigate this interaction, I was in complete awe of both children. I thought about how much I (and so many other adults) could learn from their interaction. KK was patient and Hope was humble and open to learning. They prioritized the possibility of a relationship and time together over feeling frustrated (KK) or embarrassed (Hope). In a matter of moments, both children quickly took responsibility for their own actions as KK advocated for herself in the face of Hope’s mistake, and as Hope apologized, and KK forgave Hope. Just like that, they handled it, and could quickly get back to the important part of their time at the pool, swimming, diving, playing and connecting with each other.

KK and Hope beautifully demonstrated how learning can be simple and direct--how if we are open, patient, and humble, a lesson can be learned quickly and play can continue without any hard feelings. Learning happens one interaction at a time---at any age.

KK and her beloved Cora.