PRIDE Guest Blog: Working Without a Pattern

By: Jessica Tanguay, MPH, Associate Director of Prevention Programs at Prevent Child Abuse New York & KK’s aunt

We just have to re-thread the needle and keep sewing because in the end, the beauty that is possible when every gender expansive person can live fully self-expressed is worth it.

Last year I was vacationing with my niece, KK and she asked me why I hadn't sent her a birthday gift. Oof. This stung especially hard because KK is not caught up in material items. I worried that she thought I don’t care or that she doesn’t matter to me-- both of which are very far from the truth. 

KK is one of my youngest sheroes or female heroes. Witnessing KK’s journey of self-expression at such a young age is inspiring. Throughout much of my life I was hyper-focused on fitting in and doing things “the right way”, which meant hiding parts of me that make me me. Doing things “the right way” is difficult when you have hearing loss, dyslexia, and ADHD, and it is especially hard when you are trying to hide these learning differences. As an adult I can now see the strengths these differences have afforded me. As I think about KK, I am in awe that at such a young age she fully embraces exactly who she is, and lives her life in full self-expression even amidst a society that remains harsh towards gender expansive people. I want to ensure that nothing and no one interrupts KK’s ability to unabashedly be who she is—this desire and commitment to KK and other gender expansive people drives my allyship.

Allyship, especially for the sake of KK’s safety and self-expression, is important to me because I know all too well how gender expansive children are often harmed by our gender binary society. At a recent work event, Nathaniel Gray, Executive Director of the Pride Center of the Capital Region in New York noted that roughly 10% of the population is LBGTQIA+. He then pointed out the harm these children are facing is not from their LGBTQIA+ peers, instead it is from the other 90% of the population. Data illustrate gender expansive children who feel supported by their families, peers, and communities fare far better than their peers who do not feel supported. Incidences of harm and erosion of well-being of gender expansive children continues to increase.

As KK’s 9th birthday approached this year, I remembered what happened last year. I knew I needed to have the perfect, supportive, and loving gift to make up for her “missed” 8th birthday gift! KK is a brilliant artist and maker, and is always making little trinkets for everyone in our family. I too love to create and make things for people I love. So, I wanted to give her something maker to maker. I committed to a quilt.

KK with Adventureland from Aunt P.

When KK opened the package, after reading Aunt P’s note, KK said, “This is the most amazing quilt in the world. It has NO mistakes. It’s the best quilt in the world!”

I dusted off my sewing machine (something that hasn’t been touched in almost 10 years), bought a quilt pattern (something I have never used), purchased some fabric from activists, and some thread and started sewing a quilt. In my head I envisioned a quilt that would provide KK with warmth—not just literally but also figuratively. I wanted KK to feel the love that surrounds her every time she wraps herself in this quilt. The quilt pattern, called Adventureland, was fitting as I hope KK has a lot of adventures in life. I can’t wait to see her grow. Knowing from my own life experiences, this growth will come from both amazingly wonderful adventures and challenging, painful times. I hope this quilt will remind her I will always be there to cheer her on and dust her off in the many adventures she will have in life.  

As I was making Adventureland, I spent a lot of time thinking about KK—a lot of time, as this quilt was far more difficult to make than I initially anticipated. As I struggled with the allegedly easy pattern, I recalled when Colleen was pregnant with KK. I thought about how much fun I had dancing with KK at my wedding when she wasn’t yet 2-years-old. I remembered swimming with KK in Maine a few summers ago, when my own children were too cold or too little to swim in the deep water. I thought about how KK’s nose crinkles when she laughs. I thought about the wonderful worlds, characters, and stories that KK creates. I thought about just how cool, I mean, really cool KK is.

The thoughtful note that accompanied the quilt from Aunt P.

Both blood and tears were shed as I continued on my own adventure of making this work of love. As I sewed, ripped stitches out, and sewed again, even in the face of imperfections, I kept coming back to my commitment to wrapping KK in love. Making this quilt is a lot like my journey being an ally to LGBTQIA+ people. I have made so many mistakes as I try to do it “the right way”. I was silent when I could have been a vocal supporter. I allowed behaviors and sentiments to go unchallenged when I could have used my privilege to be an ally. I didn’t speak up when mistakes were made or take back my misspoken words of misgendering or missed opportunities for interrupting when someone was deadnamed. As KK’s aunt, a parent to two children, and as a professional in public health, I am continuing to work towards figuring out how to navigate this steadfastly gender binary world in support of gender expansive people. Unlike quilting, I am working without a pattern. There are so many times when I do not get it right, and like with Adventureland, I have to get that seam ripper, and start sewing all over again. And I must learn to live with these imperfections, and keep on sewing, knowing that I am learning to be a better ally, even while all of my crooked stitches and mistakes are on display for others to see. As I continue to practice allyship, I must embrace vulnerability and work to ensure that my allyship is more than performative. 

This quilt challenged me in ways I didn’t anticipate. Even when it was finished, it still challenged me. In fact, it sat on my dining room table completed for a week before I got up the courage to put it in the mail. I was terrified of sending it to KK. The margins were off, lines that were supposed to be straight were crooked, fabric had to be added, it was square-ish. I did not do it “the right way”. My fear of sending it was rooted in embarrassment that it wasn’t perfect enough for someone who I believe deserves perfection. A wise quilting person encouraged me to send it and said that it would be cherished--mistakes and all. Much like my allyship, there have been moments when I am not sure if I am doing or saying the right thing, and I am terrified of making mistakes, but I realize that sometimes showing up, even in all of my imperfections, is most important. We just have to re-thread the needle and keep sewing because in the end, the beauty that is possible when every gender expansive person can live fully self-expressed is worth it.