PRIDE Guest Blog: Meet Them There
By: Erika Vesely, MSW & KK’s aunt
KK’s favorite super-hero may have been Batman, but my favorite super-hero will always be KK. At age nine, she already knows the primary tenet in both social work and teaching: to meet people where they are. This tenet guides what parents and teachers and people in general need to do to support gender expansive kids.
I am an introvert. It took me nearly 40 years to know, name, accept, and honor this within myself. I am refreshed by books, dogs, a full night’s sleep, gardening, and walking alone or in silent partnership through nature. I felt misplaced and misunderstood in our extroverted, American culture until I began naming and stating, I am an introvert. I am also a social worker and a teacher, not only as trained professions, but as callings. Most important to this blog, I became KK’s Aunt E nine years ago.
I love KK fiercely, as deeply and recklessly as I love my 14 yo son. But that fierce love, my social work self, and my experience as a misunderstood introvert did not provide the toolkit I needed to protect my niece from the microaggressions she would experience in my care. Loving KK has introduced me to the unintended (as well as intended) hurt our gender binary world lays at the feet of the very young, who literally, as my dear social work friend says about kids, “just got to the planet.”
Despite having “just got to the planet,” KK has always known her own mind and had an early verbal ability to express it. And, she can be determined with single-minded unwavering focus. Shortly after my sister’s third child, II, was born, KK (age 3) and her older brother, L (age 6), came on their own to spend the weekend with me. I had planned an amazing Saturday at the children’s museum and a walk from the museum through an open market to a cool restaurant for lunch. KK awakened determined that the only appropriate outfit for the day was a dinosaur costume. Perhaps they were PJs, I don’t really recall, but if we were going out, she would be a dinosaur. PJs or costume, they were aqua and purple with a tail that made buckling the car seat challenging! We took the museum and town by dino-storm. As you might imagine, the world thought this three-year-old dinosaur was absolutely adorable. Much to her brother’s chagrin, she introduced herself to the restaurant waitstaff, the museum curators, and strangers on the street, “My name is KK and I’m a dinosaur.” People roared with her; strangers fawned over how expressive she was; old women stomped down the side walk with her in dinosaur fashion. Everyone we encountered accepted this three-year-old as a dinosaur. They joined her. These strangers accepted who she knew herself to be that day.
Fast forward three years, KK is six. She and I are excited for our “girls day” painting pottery. KK is no longer a dinosaur; she is a girl who likes to wear her brother’s hand-me-downs, has her hair cut short, and loves Batman. Strangers misgendering her has become a “thing.” One of my son’s classmates who was AFAB (assigned female at birth) has begun using he/him pronouns and the boy’s bathroom at school, so I have learned to carefully listen to how kids’ pronoun themselves and follow their lead. KK continued to use she pronouns and to identify herself as a girl, so I was prepared to pre-emptively identify KK as a girl at the pottery place. Upon arrival I introduced “my niece”, KK, sharing that we were “so excited for our girls day” together. There. Done. Now the lady won’t make a wrong assumption. Wrong! KK was consistently referred to as “he” despite me, somewhat louder than I otherwise might have, using KK’s feminine name to ask her questions about the paint she might like to use next. The painting was fun; the dealing with an unlistening, although in every other aspect lovely person, was exhausting. And the saddest piece of the painting experience was when we left – empathetic KK felt compelled to comfort me! “It’s okay, Aunt E. You don’t have to keep telling them I’m a girl. Some times they get it, lots of times they don’t.” Oh, the shame! Aunt failure, not only did KK have to listen to this stranger being ignorant, but now her gentle, empathetic self felt the need to comfort Aunt E! What to do? Get hot cocoa! Through dumb luck, life provided us an observant waitstaff who “got it.” And whenever I see those painted Halloween items, I try to remember KK’s radiant hot cocoa smile when the server said, “Your niece looks like she could be your daughter.” That waitstaff was ready to join us as we were - girls’ day out!
Dog-loving Aunt E and dog-loving KK on their girls’ day out!
Fast forward, KK is eight. Aunt E and Uncle Andy are taking KK to her first drive-in movie. KK continues to wear her hair short and her brother’s hand-me-downs, and now she has also developed her toolkit for managing our gender binary world. It is important to know that KK loves dogs. She shares that deep love with me and Uncle Andy. At our drive-in there are always tons of dogs. Our family rule is, always ask the person, before you pet the dog. While Andy and I were transforming the truck bed into a super comfy movie lounge, KK ran off to the playground about 30 feet from us. And as expected, a family walked by the playground area with their dog. KK, jumped off the swing and ran to the family, breathlessly yelling, “Hi, my name is KK. I am eight. I am a girl. I use she pronoun. Can I please pet your dog?” I smile even now, as I remember that dad not missing a beat, while I held my breath ready to jump off the truck and intervene – “Since you have provided us your full resume, you can definitely pet our dog, but first let me give you his name” I do not remember the dog’s name or age, but the dad introduced the dog, his son, and himself in the same manner that KK had introduced herself. I remember in that moment feeling so happy, not only that KK had the toolkit to tell the world, this is who I am, but that this random parent at the drive-in was able to hear her, enjoy her and affirm her.
Unfortunately, just as easily, our drive-in story could have gone the way of our pottery story. I hope I would have been a better, more direct, advocate – not just a loud annoyed mama bear; but, what I have no doubt about is the gender binary world remains solidly in place, despite lots of hopeful, bright cracks! And while it is so entrenched, no matter how our kids introduce themselves, for people who love gender expansive kids, there will always be that catch-breath moment wondering whether the world will affirm our kids as the drive-in dad did? Or will the world neglect to hear their voices and make harmful assumptions as the pottery lady did? I wonder how many catch breaths KK does every day? How many catch breaths her siblings do each day? How many catch breaths her parents do every day? And why is it so easy for people to join a three-year-old dinosaur, but so much harder to join an eight-year-old crop haired, gender expansive girl?
Because a three-year-old dinosaur doesn’t challenge anybody’s preset vision of the world. My strong, kind, creative, empathetic, thoughtful, brilliant, dog-loving, stuffy-toting niece does! She asks us to see beyond stereotypes, to expand our vision and to meet all children as they are in their own unique beauty. KK’s favorite super-hero may have been Batman, but my favorite super-hero will always be KK. At nine, she already knows the primary tenet in both social work and teaching: to meet people where they are. This tenet guides what parents and teachers and people in general need to do to support gender expansive kids. Listen to where kids are and meet them there. If we as adults can hear and affirm them, it will not take our kiddos 40 years to feel they belong, just as they are, in all their unique beauty; they can know it today!
